The Transition: Big Ball's Move to Philly

         As I sit on my couch binge-watching the shit out of Orange is the New Black on Netflix, hungover, listening to my mother complain about her new haircut, and reading Facebook posts about people watching the Hall of Fame Game, I can’t help but make an obvious connection:  between the Philadelphia Eagle's new head coach Chip Kelly and the main character of Orange is the New Black, Piper Chapman.  I know right?!  I’m sure you’re all thinking the same thing.  
In the show’s debut episode, Piper leaves her cushy life making artisanal bath products, shopping at whole foods, and making Kale salads, and voluntarily turns in it for an 18-month stint in the joint.  As I watch Piper sit on her back porch, wine glass in hand, with a delicious, warm dinner being served to her as she soaks in her last day as a free woman - I simultaneously picture Big Balls Chip packing up the remainder of BCS SWAG in his Eugene office, walking down the Italian marble hallways that Phil Knight built perfectly to his specifications, past the weight room that make the Four Seasons look like maid’s quarters, reminiscing about how awesome the day was when he got the nickname “Big Balls,” yet probably in a similar state of internal flux as Piper.  Why leave a situation that is so tailor-made for success?  Why leave relaxing familiarity and trade it in for the swirling chaos of prison (or as it is known to others, Philadelphia)?  Is it for the adventure?  Is it for the story?  Or is it simply because it’s what is generally considered “the right thing to do?”  The internal back-and-forth must be mind-numbing.
On the bright side, never has an individual inherited a more "low risk, high reward" job than Mark Helfreich.  Chip Kelly has handed him the keys to a spaceship, financed by a billionaire nut with swooshes all over his body, and it's on the verge of takeoff.  A Heisman hopeful quarterback.  A Heisman hopeful running back.  Brand new, state-of-the-art facilities that make recruiting trips more like fishing with a fleet of double-tap attack drones (oops, my bad Obama, I’m probably supposed to keep that one on the down-low).  Plus, have you seen their cheerleaders?  (I can’t believe I didn’t lose decades of my life on that link. #2, #14, #26, #27: I will marry you right now.  I am not polyamorous, but I am open to the discussion.  I know, I know, contain yourself, I’m sure this is a dream come true for each and every one of you).  If Helfreich decided to cut the expense of recruiting trips entirely, opting instead to just email the link to the cheerleader website, the Oregon Admission's staff would literally be turning down five-star recruits by the truckload as they eagerly pile up at the threshold of their diamond-encrusted entryway (ok, as hard as this is for me, I must move on from Oregon's cheerleaders).  Lastly, and most importantly (close your ears Oregon fans), Kelly did not win the Natty while in Eugene.  Three Pac-12 championships, two Rose Bowls, and a Fiesta Bowl is great, but Oregon was still a Cam Newton encounter short from the Big One.  Therefore, although the pressure is high for Helfreich, it is incomparably less than if this was a similar situation with say, replacing Nick Saban or Les Miles. Good luck Marky Mark, I doubt you will need it.
Now, let’s get back to Chip.  Big Balls has become a certified cult hero over the years.  With his total lack of regard for traditional play calling, risky moves that border on the psychotic, and a degenerate need to run up the score as much as possible, the sports world cannot get enough of Chip Kelly.  I, for one, fucking love the guy.   I mean, the dude’s nickname is Big Balls, how much more legendary can you get?  Kelly could have lived out the rest of his days in Oregon, won a national championship or five, made countless millions of dollars, been obsessively adored by fans, and continued to hook up with girls far too young and attractive (oxymoron?) for him until he died.  Yet, instead, he has decided to make the high-risk jump to the NFL.  We probably should have expected this.  We’re talking about a man who goes for it on fourth-and-22.  However, it is undeniable that he could have held out for a much better fit than the Philadelphia Eagles (i.e. the Cowboys once Jerry Jones pops off and fires Jason Garrett after another 8-8 season).  And, as I watch Piper Chapman getting served a sandwich with a dirty tampon in it, I can’t help but think that Kelly still has a little voice in the back of his mind second-guessing his decision to leave Eugene.  Here are the problems with the Eagles as he inherited them this offseason:

• Is Michael Vick still a worthwhile NFL QB?  And, if not, what does Nick Foles bring to the table?  (and, now that Kelly’s decided to really spice things up and draft Matt Barkley - which version of him are you getting?  The “top pick” or the “only throws picks”?)

• Is Desean Jackson ever going to get back to his (pre-contract) self from 2009-10?  And, if not, who’s going to pick up the receiving slack?

• 37 fumbles in 2012, wow.

• Asomugha’s departure (although he was never the one-man island he was on the Raiders.  Asomugha was still a very good cornerback, and an extremely good locker room presence to boot.)

And things have only gone downhill from there.  Here are the things that have gone wrong with the Eagles since Kelly has taken the reigns:

• Riley Cooper: Dropped a hard, angry N-bomb on camera.  He’s currently suspended, and the word is that he won’t get released, but I cannot see how he’ll be able to reintegrate back into the locker room.  (side note: congrats Riley, now Patrick Willis has more motivation to take your head off the next time you come across the middle.  Well done)

• The QB Battle: Kelly has done a solid job not turning the “will he or won’t he?” debate between Michael Vick, Nick Foles, and Matt Barkley into a full-blown soap opera, but the question is still lingering.  And the longer it lingers, the more likely that Desean Jackson will say something stupid - his feathers are starting to get ruffled.  

• Jeremy Maclin Out for the Season:  This is so much worse than anything else.  During the little two year vacation that Desean Jackson has been on, Maclin has been the only stabilizing presence amongst the Eagle’s receiving corps (side note: Desean hasn’t really been that bad the past two years, I’m just really hard on him because I think he is a top 5 receiver in the NFL when focused).  The fact that he’s gone, coupled with the Cooper incident, has moved the problems in the passing game to DEFCON 2 as now all of the pressure is on Jackson.  And once Jackson misses a few team meetings and gets called for a taunting penalty or two, they’ll be at DEFCON 1.  

Will Chip Kelly’s NFL career be of the Nick Saban/Steve Spurrier mold, where he’ll have to retreat back to the college ranks with his tail tucked between his legs?  Or will he be the next Jimmy Johnson and light the league on fire just like he did in Eugene?  Even after all of the problems that I have already listed, I am inclined to think that Big Balls will do great in the NFL.  Just as Piper has settled her way into the prison lifestyle and is totally bossing up now, I think that Chip Kelly will thrive in a fucked up situation like Philadelphia.  Where the fans don’t just boo, they throw batteries.  They assault people.  And they routinely get thrown in jail.  Philly is the kind of place where a great coach like Andy Reid can literally be ran out of town (here are some gems: Reid had the most wins, highest winning percentage, and most playoff victories in franchise history.  He also sent 19 players to 44 Pro Bowls in his 14 years as Eagle’s head coach, the most in the NFL.  And in only three of those seasons did the team have a losing record.  Welcome to Philly, Chip).  However, here’s why I think Chip will succeed:

• First and foremost, this dude lives for the pressure.  The high stakes.  The all-in bluffs.  And Philly is the kind of city that respects the hell out of that, and I think they will give him some leeway because of it.  At least for a couple seasons.

• His Madden-esque style of coaching:  this one is totally personal, but for years I have been ranting and raving for an NFL coach to implement my ultra-fast-paced-Madden-high-percentage-spread-offense because I am convinced that it will work.  Kelly’s offense is the closest thing I’ve seen to it, so I plan on taking full credit for any success he has, and distancing myself as far as possible from any failures.  

• Tight Ends:  Big Balls murders opposing defenses with tricky tight end play, and he’s got an extremely underrated one in Brent Celek and a high-level rookie in Zach Ertz (ok, as a fellow member of Monte Vista High School it’s impossible for me to not be biased on Ertz, but I really do think he’ll fit well into Kelly’s system)

• LeSean McCoy:  Running back.  The running back, y’all (this is second time I’ve included this clip, expect it many more times.  “At first you smile, and then you think.”  Iconic Denzel).  Given Kelly’s track record I expect massive numbers from the Real McCoy.

• The Offensive Line:  As is the case with all football teams, when the offensive line has problems, you’re not going to win many games.  Perennial Pro Bowler, and arguably the best Left Tackle in football, Jason Peters miss the entire 2012 season with a torn achilles.  He’s back, and supposedly looking phenomenal in training camp.  This solidifies the O-line, which solidifies the running game, which takes pressure off the quarterback (whomever that may be). 

• Defense....ok well I’m not sure about the defense.  The silver lining?  They finished 29th in points allowed last season, so they really can’t go anywhere but up.  Or 30th.  Or 31st.  Or 32nd.  Or stay at 29th.  Ok, so the defense is pretty shaky.  However, they did add Sopoaga (whom, as a Niner’s fan, I love) and if the offense can limit the turnovers, it’ll go a long way in relieving some of the short-field pressure that the defense was routinely facing last year.  

I’m not trying to make the case for the Eagles to make the playoffs the season, or even the next.  However, I do expect them to make significant strides this season towards the .500 mark, and be in contention by next year.  It will take some time for the players to master the frenetic pace of Kelly’s scheme, and there will definitely be some hilarious fuck-ups along the way (which I eagerly await), but I think the Eagles will become a force to be reckoned with in the future.  And, like after Piper had to suffer the emotional torment of solitary confinement, Kelly will emerge from the dungeon of the NFC East with his head held high, and, like Piper, he will grab his hot lesbian ex-girlfriend and lead her into the church.  And then he will have sex with her on the alter.  Because he’s Big Balls.  And he’s awesome.