The Bit Character Hall of Fame

       The idea of a “bit character” can be exceedingly broad, so here’s my only parameter to make it into the Hall of Fame: who does the most with the least.  That is, which character has the most impact in the smallest amount of screen time.  In some cases, these characters singe-handedly make the movie worth watching.  In others, they take the movie from merely watchable to the promised land of re-watchability.  

However, in all cases of legendary bit characters, there is “The Line.”  The Line is one quote that I fall back on whenever I talk about this movie.  Laughs win points.  Subtly wins points.  Also, if the actor who was cast is the only person on planet earth who could could properly deliver The Line, major points are awarded.  

Lester Bangs, Almost Famous

The Line: It’s cuz they make you feel cool.  And hey.  I met you.  You are not cool.

PSH is the Babe Ruth of character actors.  He is the Michael Jordan.  He is the Joey Chestnut.  Therefore, he is the first inductee in the Bit Character Hall of Fame.  Hoffman makes the audience feel like he weeds through scripts and purposefully chooses the one that we don’t think he will be able to play.  Oh, you don’t think I can play the manager of the Oakland A’s?  Or a world renown violinist?  Hunger Games??  You think I can’t do Hunger Games??  Who do you think you’re dealing with here?  And, each and every time, we are proven wrong.  Hoffman is so amazing he even made Along Came Polly (a debatably terrible movie) watchable.   

Furthermore, Hoffman has a seemingly never-ending number of variations on homosexuality: (1) His Level Two Gay: As Jude Law’s friend Freddie in Talented Mr. Ripley.  (2) His Level Six Gay: In his Oscar-winning role as Capote.  Or (3) His Level Nine Gay: As his iconic Boogie Nights character, Scotty, who not-so-subtly tries to come onto Mark Whalberg by saying “can I kiss you on the mouth?”   No other actor has this kind of range.  

        So versatile is PSH that I think the argument could be made for him as the greatest actor of this generation, and he could have been mentioned on this list for a myriad of different roles.  But, for my money, his portrayal of Lester Bangs in Almost Famous is his ultimate masterpiece.  His opening line - Here’s a theory.  For you to disregard.  Completely  - grabs the audience by the throat.  And he never lets go.  

In a movie with such a dynamic script, so many iconic moments, and such a great cast, PSH needs only 10 minutes of screen time to steal the show.  10 minutes over the course of a two and a half hour movie.  Yet, somehow in such minimal time, Hoffman transitions his character along an intricate web of un-truths, a kaleidoscope of personality.  One foot steps off the land of pretentious insecurity, as the other settles into a diatribe of heartfelt sincerity, only before striding forward, once again, into another rant of caustic cynicism.  One that is both horribly hypocritical, yet beautifully self-aware.  A static picture of any one of these steps is to confine Lester Bangs into a box, and would only capture of sliver of his true character.  One has to look at the entire web to understand the person that PSH brings to the screen.  It’s subtle in its obviousness.  Abstractly real.  Opaquely transparent.  And pure acting genius in its most powerful form.

Charlie, Blue Streak

The Line: I’m bad, baby. I’ll rip your lips off, and kiss my ass with them shits.  I do that.  It’s how I get down. 

God, I’m so happy that this picture exists on the internet.  

        Remember when Martin Lawrence did good movies?  You might not even remember this era, as the collective stench of Wild Hogs, Rebound, Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins, and (oh god) Big Mama’s: Like Father, Like Son, might have wiped your memory of the time when Lawrence was watchable.  However, Blue Streak is one of the most underrated movies in the unbelievably overdone genre of “renegade black guy teams up with rule-following white guy buddy movies” (aka Martin Lawrence’s entire career).  And every moment that Chappelle is on screen is gold.  He plays Charlie, Martin’s extremely gullible buddy who also happens to be the worst gangster in the world.  All in all, Chappelle’s relatively weak acting ability probably puts him just out of range of these other iconic characters, but then he caps off his performance with the “gut and eyes” move, and he hurdles his way into the inaugural class.    

Harry Ellis, Die Hard I

The Line: Hey babe, I negiotate million dollar deals for breakfast.  I think I can handle this Euro-trash.  Hey, sprechen ze talk?

(actually, slash that) The Real Line:  Maybe you’re pissed off at the camel jockeys.  Maybe it’s the heebs.  Maybe it’s the northern islanders - it’s none of my business.  

(no, no, no) The REAL Line:  Hey, business is business.  You use a gun, I use a fountain pen.  What’s the difference?   Am I right?  Hans - BOOBY - I’m your white knight.

The biggest sleeper of the inaugural Hall of Fame class.  Harry is one of those special characters that gets more and more funny each time you watch the movie.  I don’t even know the name of this actor.  All I know is that I need a lot more of him in my life.  

First, the not-so-subtle coke habit that’s insinuated throughout the entire movie without showing any drugs.  Hilarious.  Secondly, the laugh.  Cheesy perfection.  A perfect dose of cheese.  Third, the amazing (anti)chemistry between Harry and Hans.  Every time he says “Am I right?” to Hans and Hans looks at him with a visceral hatred, I laugh harder.  Harry is the kind of character that brings the kind of comedic depth to a movie like Die Hard (a hugely underrated action-comedy) that turns it into an iconic film. 

Buffalo Bill, Silence of the Lambs

The Line: Would you fuck me?  I’d fuck me...

Is it bad that I download “Goodbye Horses” because of this movie?  I think guarantees me a spot somewhere on the serial killer spectrum.  Whatever, don’t worry about it.  

This scene still creeps me out after years and years of watching Silence of the Lambs.  The obvious choices for The Line were either “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again” or “PUT THE LOTION IN FUCKING BASKET”.  But they both seemed too surface level to capture the full essence of how cringe worthy Buffalo Bill really is.  However, he is not gratuitously creepy like most villains in horror movies nowadays.  He is necessarily creepy.  In fact, even though there is never any crossover between their characters, Buffalo Bill’s disgustingness is the piece that moves Hannibal Lector character into awesome gray-area of hero/villain.  Without Bill, I don’t think that Hopkins wins Best Actor and I don’t think that Silence of the Lambs wins Best Film.  

The biggest compliment I can give to this character is that fact that my mom is too grossed out by him to even watch this actor play other roles.  Legendarily disturbing.

Versace Salesman, Rush Hour 2

The Line: Croc Skin!! Buttercream, buttercream, croc skin, buttercream.  What size is the waist?  Let’s go in!

In case you’re not a charter member of the Rush Hour 2 fan club like me, in this picture, Piven is currently in the midst of saying, “Let’s put a dead animal on you.”   Lines like that make your chances of making this list very high.   Also, if you haven’t watched this scene half a million times, you may not have noticed the conversation that Piven is having when Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan first walk into the store.  The only line we hear is “it was a cowboy hat, and how it’s a pith helmet, and I wanted to spank - hold on.”  Subtly, my friends. Subtly guarantees induction.

Angry Smart Tech Customer, 40 Year-Old Virgin

The Line: Ok, check this out tho.  First of all, you’re throwing too many big words at me.  OK, now, because I don’t understand them, I’m gunna take them as disrespect.  Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.

Kevin Hart is a comedic hit man.  A mercenary-for-hire that will come in and burn your stage to the ground, for a price.  He doesn’t need lines.  He doesn’t need direction.  Shit, he doesn’t even need another actor in the scene.  For all he cares, everyone can stay home the day he shows up because it’s going down with or without them.  

Out of all the people on this illustrious list, no one gets more done in less time than Hart does in 40 Year-Old Virgin.  In less than two minutes, he and Jay have a full conversation that goes from friendly to Hart threatening assassination attempts on both Jay and Andy.  Furthermore, the phrase “we fuck dwarves in the ass” is used in response to his shit talk.  With range like this, Hart was a lock to get into the Hall.

      And just to think about my boy Wagman doing this impersonation wraps up the argument.  


Just Missed, But Received Enough Votes to Be on Next Year's Ballot

Big Earl, Starsky and Hutch

The Line: Two dragons.

I have also pushed the “less is more” theory when it comes to Will Ferrell.  The gravitas of Ferrell’s performance is heavily dependent on the brevity of the audience’s encounter with him.  Old School, Zoolander, Superstar.  All movies where Ferrell momentarily pops in and steals the show.  And for my money, Big Earl in Starsky and Hutch is the best one of these bit roles but...I’m not gunna lie to you it’s gunna get a little weird. 

Jesus, The Big Lebowski

The Line: Nobody fucks with da Jesus

The Big Lebowski is a top ten movie of all time, yet I seem to encounter a lot of people who haven’t seen it.  So, if you are one of these sad individuals, stop reading. Close you computer.  And do whatever you gotta do to get your hands on a copy of it.  Torrent it.  Rent it.  Buy it.  Break into a cool person’s house and steal.  Trust me, they’ll already own a copy.  It will be a far better use of your time that reading my opinionated bullshit. 

Hal, Happy Gilmore

The Line: You could trouble me for a nice, warm glass of SHUT THE HELL UP.  You will go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep.

The same Illuminati group that got to Martin Lawrence must have gotten to Adam Sandler as well.  I swear there was a time when he was funny, but then I watch his movies from the past ten years and I feel horribly mistaken.  Grown Ups 2???  Who is going to the theaters to see these movies?

Anyways, Happy Gilmore is the best movie Sandler ever made (if you say Billy Madison I will fight you.  Joke-for-joke is doesn’t even compare) and Stiller’s role as Hal is the most iconic bit Character (my apologies to Kevin Nealon and Bob Barker).  

Holding Out For the Veteran's Committee

Captain Koonz, Pulp Fiction

The Line: Five long years he wore this watch, up his ass.  Then, he died of dysentery.  He gave me the watch.  And I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years.  

One scene.  Five minutes.  Continuous monologue.  Cinematic history.  And Walken is the only person who could have delivered it in a way that seemed like it is 100% serious.  He doesn’t introduce himself, he doesn’t sit down.  He just jumps right into the story.  He doesn’t pull punches.  He uses vivid imagery and racist euphemisms as if he was telling the story to his PTSD therapist.  And it does not seem like a stretch at all to picture Walken taking part in every single piece of this story.  This could be a real story taken from the day-to-day like of Christopher Walken.  And that’s what makes it so funny.

Also, I like to imagine how many bath salts Tarantino must have been sniffing when he came up with this character, having the child version of Butch getting his Saturday morning cartoons interrupted by this story.  Classic.

Drill Sergeant, Full Metal Jacket

The Line: (wow, choosing one would be impossible - see below)

I’ll be honest, I don’t even really like Full Metal Jacket.  It’s a little slow, a little dated, and incredibly depressing.  That being said, it is totally watchable if only for the scenes with the Drill Sergeant played by R. Lee Emry.  Furthermore, his iconic screaming scene, which makes a Bobby Knight rant look like Mother Teresa whispering a bedtime story to Baby Jesus after taking a quaalude, is all improvised.  This Holy Grail of homophobic shit talk includes the lines:

I’ll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk.

I admire your honestly.  Hell, I like you.  You can come over to my house and fuck my sister (punches the kid in the stomach).

You best un-fuck yourself, or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck.

Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.

Only steers and queers come from Texas, private cowboy.  And you don’t look like a steer to me, so that pretty much narrows it down.  Do you suck dicks?

I bet you’re the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the common courtesy to give him a reach-around...I’ll be watching you!

You’re so ugly, you could be a modern art masterpiece.

I bet you could suck a golfball through a garden house.

Lawrence?  I don’t like the name Lawrence.  Only faggots and sailors are named Lawrence.

I will gauge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you.