My Favorite Interview, Ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qsLN67FLVY (if you are unfamiliar with MMA or Chael Sonnen, it's probably best to read the rest of the article before you watch this.  If you are familiar, shit, you’ve probably already seen this footage dozens of times.)

The Set Up

If you’re not a fan of MMA, you probably don’t know who Chael Sonnen is.  If you are one of such people, wow, I am so excited to make this introduction.  I mentioned him briefly in my last article as the middle linebacker on my hypothetical “All-time Non-NFL Madden Team,” but I immediately realized that so much more needed to be said about him.  This is the kind of man who steals the microphone from Joe Rogan in post-fight interviews and declares himself to be the greatest fighter in the world.  The kind of man who has YouTube videos simply called "Chael Sonnen One Hour of Epicness."  The kind of man who has called out just about every fighter short of Rocky Balboa, yet never seems to get a response.  A mere 50 word blurb would not suffice.
        Sonnen is undoubtedly the most divisive character in the entire sport of MMA.  It seems that about 50% of fans hate his guts and 50% love him like Bartolo Colon loves donuts (oh, Bartolo.  On a side note, Google Images for “Bartolo Colon” is a goldmine).  You can count me in on the later group.  Everything about Chael is a hilarious contradiction.  His record, 27-13-1, is mediocre at best, yet he is the highest paid fighter in the UFC.  He calls himself the “People’s Champ,” yet he is not, and never has been, the champion of any weight class.  Chael is a UFC fighter, posing as a WWE wrestler, posing as an inspirational speaker, posing as a politician, posing as a white-collar criminal, posing as a stand-up comedian.  But, in reality, he can only be properly described as the most entertaining man in sports.  Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the one-and-only Chael P. Sonnen.  

The Cast

Chael “The People’s Champ aka The Bad Guy aka The American Gangster” Sonnen

Ariel “The Most Overrated and Awkward Member of the Sports Media” Helwani

The Interview

When I saw this interview for the first time, it was immediately after listening to Chael’s nearly three hour interview on The Joe Rogan Experience, in which he discussed everything from Bigfoot theories to Mike Tyson stories to Testosterone Replacement Therapy to (my favorite) how he knows the true identity of D.B. Cooper.  Needless to say, I thought I would never witness a more entertaining segment of Chael Sonnen in my life.  But then I watched this interview. 
       Over the course of a mere twenty minutes, Chael covers so many topics and has so many classic moments that it seems like you're stuck in some kind of fracture in space-time.  A realm where the clock never moves, it's black and white for some reason, and Chael is the supreme ruler.  Nothing is staged, Sonnen just opens his mouth and magic flows forth (Ok, that’s probably going too far, Chael is definitely staged at times.  Keep in mind, this is the kind of man who went on Dan LeBatard’s TV show, with a fake UFC belt draped across his shoulder, and declared 2012 to be renamed “2000-and-Chael.”)  However, all antics aside, what truly separates Chael from other hilarious athletes is how masterfully he leaves a trail of subtle breadcrumbs, piece-by-piece leading the viewer to a place where they’re agreeing to a point that seemed like it made no sense five minutes prior.  It’s like watching a great lawyer in the courtroom.  Or Skip Bayless on First Take (just kidding).  
       He doesn't just dive headfirst into the deep-end of the Crazy Town pool like a young Mike Tyson or a drunk Joe Namath, he starts off slowly, letting Ariel control the first five minutes of the interview.  He answers the questions, seriously and thoughtfully.  It leads one to think, Hey, Chael’s a pretty logical and decent guy!   These are the breadcrumbs, folks.  He throws out some compliments and even shows some vulnerability at times.  Breadcrumbs.  Chael is like a rock song from the 70s.  It builds.  And builds.  And builds.  And then Peter Townsend lets it die down for just a moment.  And you think it’s all over.  But then, seven minutes and forty-five seconds in, Roger Daltrey grabs the mike and screams his face off, and the payoff is brilliant.  I've watched this interview in its entirety countless times, yet, when Chael decides to truly steamroll Ariel for good, it still gets me every time. 
   

The Breakdown

0:00 to 0:37  

Ariel opens up the interview with his tramemark creepy/awkward smile, and says having Chael back on the show is like having “Sasquatch or a mythical creature” show up.  This is the only interesting thing Ariel will say over the course of the next twenty minutes.

0:38 to 2:38

After being asked about how it feels to return from suspension (for testing for overly high levels of testosterone - don’t worry folks, there’s a classic Chael answer for that as well), Chael realizes how boring Ariel is, and immediately begins his coup de tat over the interview.  He starts off heartfelt, in order to sympathize with the average man and draw in the audience.  Then, he starts talking about the emotional roller coaster he’s been on in his time away from the sport (subtly emphasizing the blurriness of the rules when it comes to testosterone levels.  Hey, maybe Chael is innocent!).  This is not an accident.  These are classic Chael techniques.  Reeling us in...reeling us in...

2:39 to 5:46

Goddammit, it’s Ariel again.  He’s really going to do his best to make this a boring interview.  He brings the fact that another fighter, Nate Marquart, has had problems with high testosterone levels as well.  Chael’s starting to get bored.  He gives another heartfelt answer, blowing up Nate as the greatest guy ever, but then goes on to ramble about the testosterone rules again for another couple minutes.  He’s now fully realized that he’s going to have to hijack this interview.  Strap on your seat-belts.

5:47 to 19:53

Ok, here’s where the wheels fall off entirely.  Ariel brings up Wanderlei Silva (for reference, Wanderlei is a legend of the sport and, quite possibly, the scariest human being ever. Need proof?  Here you go) as a possible future matchup for Sonnen.  Sonnen, nonchalantly, goes onto discuss how Silva is so vastly inferior to him that’s it’s a joke to even talk about it.  Then, Ariel, like the annoying little instigator he is, tells Chael that Wanderlei said, “he would kill him and kill him fast.”  If Wanderlei said this about me, I’d move out of the country.  I’d change my name.  Shit, I’d have a sex change if that would guarantee that Wanderlei could never find me.  Does this scare Chael?  Of course not.  He loves it.  Chael sees this as an opportunity to break into one of the most legendary trash talking soliloquies ever recorded.  And Ariel’s facial expressions are funnier each time that I watch this.  Here are the things/people/countries/cultures/ideas that Chael attacks over the next fifteen minutes:

1) Wanderlei Silva:  Calling Silva out for being an “immigrant from Brazil” and calls himself a “gangster from America.”  Chael’s from rural Oregon, not exactly the gangster capital of America.  He gives a blow-by-blow on a hypothetical home invasion that he’s going to stage on Silva, including intricate details about night-vision goggles he’s going to buy and the anti-Brazilian website he’s going to start.  I’ll be honest, if Chael made this part up off the top of his head, he is a Bobby Fisher level genius.  Oh my god, look at Ariel’s face. Is he scared?  Is he shocked?  I don’t know.  Chael just decides to run with it.  He claims there is no chance Wanderlei will ever fight him because “he’s scared and he sucks.”  Oh yeah, and because his entire career is a joke too.  Ariel is now too scared move, any false movement might signal to Wanderlei that he agrees with Chael, thus, putting him, and everyone he knows, in mortal danger.  

2) Japanese fighting: Chael claims every fight in Japan’s famed Pride Fighting was rigged

3) Mirco Crocop: A legendary MMA heavyweight, who is also a former member of the anti-terrorism unit in the Croatian Special Forces (who the fuck knows how crazy you have to be to get into that crew), and whose kicks are so legendary that the saying about them is “Right leg, hospital.  Left leg, cemetery.”

4) Fedor Emelianenko: An MMA heavyweight who probably has my vote for greatest fighter in the history of the sport.  This is a man who was put on this Earth for the specific purpose of catastrophically maiming people. Every time I watch his highlights he gets scarier.  His emotionless death-stare alone makes me want to hide underneath my bed.  In true Chael fashion, he claims Fedor is a joke as well.  

5) Kid Yamamoto

6) The Brazilian Technological Infrastructure

7) The Nogueira Brothers (again):  Chael tells a supposedly true story that when the brothers first came to the United States from Brazil, they mistook a bus for a horse.  Thus, Chael has now broadened his vitriol to...

8) Brazil, and its lack of development as a country

9) Brazilian fighters abandoning the Brazilian people

10) Anyone by the name of Silva: Wanderlei, Anderson, Big Foot, it doesn’t matter.

11) The idea of “pound for pound” in general

12) Featherweight Champion Jose Aldo: both for the pronunciation of his name and his status as UFC Champion

13) Matt Hughes:  UFC hall of famer.  One of the greatest fighters of all time.

14) Batman vs Superman Arguments, as well as the people do engage in them

15) People who talk about people who are “past their prime”

16) Former Light-Heavyweight Champion Lyoto Machida: for being a “karate guy”

17) The rules of MMA:  Apparently, Chael doesn’t understand how tapping out to an opposing fighter makes you the loser of the fight...

18) Steven Seagal: “a disguntled, has-been, never-was, B-level actor.”  Classic Chael.

19) The entire Light-Heavyweight Division: the “easiest division in the history of combat sports”

20) 5 Round Fights

21) Ariel’s hearing ability

Steven Seagal, Batman vs. Superman arguments, and Brazilian dudes feeding carrots to buses?  All in the same interview?!   My friends, you cannot find another athlete with this kind of range.  In twenty minutes, Chael insulted two countries, the rules of the sport, and pretty much every fighter not named Nate Marquart, Yushin Okami, or Georges St. Pierre.  And, it's crucial you keep in mind that these are fucking golfers, or baseball players, or basketball players that he's calling out.  These are dudes who train, all day, every day, to take people to within an inch of their life.  What’s crazier is, in the midst of all the psychotic madness, he actually mixes in some really good points.  Like critiquing the rampant corruption in Japanese fighting, or the weakness of the ligh-heavywieght division, or how fucking ridiculous Steven Seagal is.  And that's the true essence of the demented mastermind known as Chael Sonnen, he still sprinkles in enough logical comments to always keep the viewer on the hook.  It’s like his way of winking to the more discerning listeners.   Telling us that it’s all an act.  It’s all for show.  It's  just performance art, and the character he's playing goes by the name Chael P. Sonnen.  And he's comedic gold.