Why Rush Hour 2 Is Arguably The Greatest Movie Ever Made

      Oh, you thinking I’m joking?  I couldn’t be more goddamn serious.   Rush Hour 2 is top to bottom, start to finish, and joke to joke the greatest movie ever made.  If you feel inclined to stop reading right now, please do it, and don’t ever come back.   Because if you don’t like Rush Hour 2 rants, we shouldn’t be affiliated with one another.  Why don’t you go watch The Hours?   Or some fucking Shakespeare?  Or any movie with Kate Winslet?  I hate you, you snooty movie critics, with your wee beady eyes.  (I’m sorry, I went too far with the Winslet comment.  The Holiday is a solid romantic comedy.)
Alright, now that the readership has been sufficiently narrowed, and you have opened to your mind to the possibility that RH2 (I’m just going to abbreviate to extreme nerd code to save time) is the greatest movie of all time, I may need to narrow down what I mean by “greatest” here. 

Components of a “great” movie, and Rush Hour 2’s rating on a 1-10 scale:

(A) Re-watchability: 12.  This delves into the “Do I watch it when I see it on TV?” question, to which I say yes, every time.  Furthermore, I will seek RH2 out for future showings and plan my schedule accordingly, watch it on DVD (which I own), or go to the true ADD-inflicted-degenerate-level of going on Youtube and just watching my favorite parts - but who I am kidding, every fucking moment of the movie is equally awesome, so I probably end up spending more time watching the entire movie clip by clip (I’m doing it as we speak.  Is it worth it?  Yes).  Admittedly, RH2 is not as intricate and/or subtle as The Godfather or Cloud Atlas, but that does allow for the casual viewer to drop in at any point without feeling lost (if the plot of any Rush Hour movie confuses you: (1) seek help, and (2) here’s a breakdown: hilarious Michael Jackson impression.  One liner.  Jackie climbs some crazy shit and does his best not to kill people.  Some dudes die anyway - hey, they were dicks, want can you do?  One liner expressing some kind of remorse over the loss of life.  A hot chick for either Chris or Jackie, but never both.  But that's cool because they're bros, and, in all likelihood, the other guy will probably get one in the next movie.  One liner about the girl’s hotness.  At some point in the middle, Chris and Jackie stop being friends, but they get back together like 5 minutes later as to not annoy the audience with too much emo bullshit.  One liner, annnnnd we’re best buds again.  Chris ends up with a showdown with a bad guy, but not the most badass guy, that’s Jackie’s job.  Anyways, Jackie totally whoops ass and Chris somehow wins by a ridiculous stroke of luck/comedy.  Climactic one liner.  Close with a teaser towards the place they’re going in the next movie.  Blooper reel.  The End.)

(B) Three Dimensionality: A billion and four.  By three dimensionality, I mean variety of experience, and RH2 nails variety of experience like Ron Jeremy nails girls with no self esteem.  Relentlessly, and with veteran ease.  I originally had the rating set at a 10, but then I started going point-by-point for the sake of accuracy.  Plot?  Sufficient (add a point).  Boring Shit?  None (add point).  Action?  It’s goddamn Jackie Chan (two points?  I think so).  And laughs?  Are you kidding me?  Add a billion more points, the scale once again breaks.  Yes, RH2 is this good.

(C) Character Development: 10. If at some point in my life, I learned that Jackie and Chris actually hated each other, and had to fake their friendship throughout the Rush Hour Trilogy, it probably be suicide-inducing news.  This is how much emotional currency I have invested in their relationship.  However, I can’t break the one to ten scale in this category because, let’s be honest, there really are only two reoccurring characters in the whole trilogy.

(D) Writing: 9 1/2.  This is by far the most difficult category to pinpoint.  The problem is, that Chris Tucker is so fucking funny that I can’t tell whether the line that I have been quoting for the past decade is funny, or if is just the image of Chris Tucker’s bulging eyes and shrill voice that makes it so memorable.  Perfect example.  The number of time I’ve said “What in the world is going on up in here??” or “Chum’onnn Lee” is stupid, but is that good writing??  Seriously, I can’t tell.  My boy Wagman and I have wondered for years whether the Rush Hour movies are even comedies on paper, or whether Chris Tucker just says fuck it, and improvs the whole thing.  Although someone did write the classic, “I’m gunna bitch slap you back to Africa,” so there must be hilarious joke writing going down at some point.  All in all, I decided on being conservative with the 9 1/2.  

(E) Pace: Infinity?  I can’t even try to quantify the pace of this movie.  This is where RH2 separates itself as the greatest movie of all time.  Let me give you the blow-by-blow (oh, this is so happening).

First off, I have to set the scene by taking you back to my mindset in 2001 when I saw this movie for the first time.  I had seen the original Rush Hour a couple years back, loved it, but even my ten year old self was jaded enough to realize how terrible sequels normally are.  Especially comedies.  Jaded at ten, I know, it’s sad.  Boom, open with some of the most classic shit ever between Chris and Jackie (Which word was Goat??  Maybe the most underrated line of the whole movie).  Normally, the “American dude trying to speak Chinese” routine comes off as hacky and forced, but (refer to above) Chris Tucker some how makes it seem totally believable.  Cut to, scene in massage parlor.  Am-er-i-ca?  You want to come to Am-er-i-ca?  The number of times I said this in Europe this summer is both shocking and embarrassing.  Awesome fight scene with Ricky Tan’s crew.  Woah, Chris Tucker can kinda throw down now!   Character progression, I see you working Bret Ratner.  Now, Chris is pissed that Jackie is always on the job and can never relax.  Begin obligatory break up period.  Jackie thinks Chris died in an explosion at the US Embassy, which is a bit of a bummer, but Ratner rewards us by getting to see Chris wander around Hong Kong by himself.  See, Rush Hour never fucks the viewer over with any prolonged sadness and/or boringness.  
Through a serendipitous string of detective brilliance on both their part, Chris and Jackie end up on the same boat looking for Ricky Tan (All these Yachts look just alike these days.  I KNEW something was wrong when my key didn’t work.  My ten year old self can hardly breathe).  Oh shit!  They shot Ricky Tan!!  Jokes AND plot twists?  Is this real life?  Boom - now they’re on a plane going to LA and we learn why Chris is such an amazing detective.  And now fucking Don Cheadle somehow pops up.  Can this movie get any better?  Yes it can, my friends, yes...it...can...because now the pair are captured by the Triads!!  And tied up in the back of a truck!!  This movie has to be ending soon, my internal organs can’t handle much more of this.  But no, no, my fellow comrades, we are far from over because, as always, they break out in the nick of time, and find themselves in Las Vegas.  
Friends (if you have made it this far, we’re friends now), if only I could put into words what my ten year old self felt when Chris and Jackie’s heads popped out of the sewer onto the Vegas strip.  Easily one of the top five moments of my life.  It was one of those transcendent moments when you think something cannot possibly get any better, and then it gets cranked to eleven.  Let's pause and respect the life-altering moment.  Enter Jeremy Piven, and..now...it’s...at...twelve.  Sadly, the Piven scene has to end at some point, and they head into the casino to hunt down the Rich White Man (RWM).  Chris and Jackie decide to go to their unstoppable Rush Hour pick-and-roll.  Also known as, Chris runs interference, and Jackie does everything else (Lionel Richie ain’t been black since the Commodores, man!).  At this point, I’m not even sure if I’m laughing any more.  It’s more of a transfixed stare, the genius of the movie before me is simply too much to comprehend.  I know it must be coming to an end soon, and the emotional downward swing is beginning to set in...No!! It’s a double cross!!  Ricky Tan has been alive the whole time and kills the RWM!!  You’re melting my brain with plot twists Bret Ratner!!!   
Time for the Mortal Combat-esque showdowns.  Jackie vs. the back-stabbing, father-murdering, fake-dying Ricky Tan.  And Chris vs. the girl.  Yet another opponent that he has no chance of beating.  Is Chris going to die?  Are you kidding??  That would be the most anti-Ratner move ever!  No, of course, Chris wins through some ridiculously lucky turn of events, and he heads up stairs to back-up Jackie.  As one would expect, Jackie totally is whooping Ricky Tan’s ass, but refuses to kill him because it would be “the wrong thing to do.”  In the moment of hesitation, Tan gets back the upper hand, but Chris steps up big (teamwork, baby!) and Jackie gives him the ‘ol spinning side-kick out the window (seriously, I want a tally of who has a higher percentage of “morally-justified” homicides: The Rock or Jackie Chan.  These dudes can never just murder anyone, it always has to be in some unnecessarily risky scenario of self-defense.  I would much prefer a more Liam-Niesen-in-Taken approach.  Bullets to the dome.  Much more effective.  This is my only critique of this movie: not enough unjustified murder).
Cutting out some intricacies, they jump out the window.  Big explosion.  Happy ending.  Insinuation of a sequel.  Bloopers.  The lights fade back on in the theater.  My life has been forever changed.  What did I just witness?  The greatest movie ever made.