My friend Kyle brought up the idea of the “All-Rap Sheet” team for the players who have accumulated the most serious/humorous run-ins with the law. I feel as if I may have seen this list somewhere before, on Bleacher Report or something, so I have decided to put my own personal spin on the idea. And as my “All-Time Non-NFL Madden Team” was heavily dependent on the humorous dynamics between players, I have decided to create the “Personality Clash NBA All-Star Team.” We are an expansion idea out of Iowa, and we are called the Dysfunctional's.
There are many different ways a player can earn his spot on my team:
(A) Trouble-makers. This is by far the easiest and most common way to make the squad. Having a personality that is inherently impossible to coexist with guarantees inclusion.
(B) Being notoriously clean-cut. I want to see if players from group A can push players from group B over the edge. And, as we all know, those who never snap are the most ridiculously over-the-top when they do.
(C) Unpredictability. Guys in this group are the most polarizing characters in sports. Sometimes they’re great guys, sometimes they’re compete assholes. Most times this is due to an affinity towards substance abuse. Substance abuse makes your chances of making the cut skyrocket. Lack of consistency and/or coherency are key when manufacturing personality clashes.
(D) Having a history of violence with another player on the team. Oh yes.
As this is a hypothetical team, my aim is to create as much mayhem, conflict, and psychological terrorism as possible. Feelings will get hurt. Reputations will be ruined. People may die.
Coach - Vinny Del Negro
What is Vinny known for? Not being much a leader. Not vocally reprimanding bad behavior. And pretty much relying on the point guard to dictate the entire offense. Perfect. Because my point guard is...
Starting Point Guard - JR Smith, 6’5” 220 lb
I died when I saw this meme. Anyone who opts to party with Rihanna all night during the playoffs is a lock to find a spot in my starting rotation.
What do you need out of your point guard? A vocal floor leader? Someone willing to sacrifice points? Play smart? Run the offense? I should make my own meme that says “JR be like What Offense?”
Naturally, I’ve gone with JR Smith here. People might complain that he’s out of position at the point, but I think it will actually make the squad more efficient, as JR will not have to wait for someone to give him the ball before he attempts his signature coast-to-coast kamikaze madness.
Latrell will strangle JR by the All Star break. This is guaranteed.
Back-Up Point Guard - Stephon Marbury, 6’2” 180 lb
Starbury will be my back-up point guard, but he’s never coming off the bench. This is for two, equally important reasons: (1) JR is far too hilarious at the point to ever be brought out, and (2) Stephon is far too hilarious off the court to ever get brought in.
Actually, I’m going to have a provision in Stephon’s contract that requires him to skip both practices and games and keep a continuous feed on his I-can’t-even-find-an-adjective-to-describe webcam. Oh, you didn’t know Starbury had a live, 24/7 webcam? Well, your welcome for this. And this. Please, take your time and continue to search YouTube because there is far too much classic Starbury webcam footage for me to link to this post.
Yes, Stephon Marbury is now a crazy person. Not just “run-of-the-mill-Trailblazer” crazy, but that special, customized Starbury kind that involves incessant crying, eating Vaseline, and dancing in white face. All on camera. But hey, at least he’s monetizing his lunacy while he’s dropping dropping 30 per game with Beijing Ducks.
If anyone out there has a connection with The Real World, please, we need to find a place for Stephon. There has never been a more natural choice. Marbury stopped being polite and started getting real years ago.
Starting Shooting Guard - Latrell Sprewell, 6’5” 195 lb
Spree is the number one pick. Like how many great writers start at the end and work back to the beginning, I have started my team with Sprewell and worked from there. Hands down, Spree is the undisputed king of clash. Whether that be with coaches, teammates, the front office, shoes, hair styles, women he’s having consensual sex with, or the continuity of a beautiful vehicle.
Like how the Heat when around the league and picked up players who best fit Lebron’s strengths, I’ve have gone around the league and found players who will irritate the living shit out of Spree. This team is literally built piece-by-piece to maximize the regularity and magnitude of Sprewell blow-ups.
Once he realizes that Vinny is allowing JR to take 28-foot jump shots without passing...there will be consequences. Late one night, on a road-trip to Orlando, Vinny will hear a noise in the darkness. He will sit up in bed. What is that? And the last snapshots of Vinny Del Negro’s life will be silhouette of a Hey Arnold-like haircut, the feeling of hands around his neck, and a banshee-like primal scream.
Shit, I’m going to have to have a back-up plan for my coach. What’s Stan Van Gundy doing these days? Latrell loves little white dudes who get in his grill.
Back-Up Shooting Guard - Ruben Patterson 6’5” 225 lb.
Registered sex offender? Convicted felon? And he gives himself nicknames? Yes, he will be a perfect backup to Latrell.
If you’re curious about the illustrious title Ruben gave himself, it was the “Kobe Stopper.” Which seems a little ridiculous, once you’ve seen this clip. Nobody stops Kobe, Ruben. Nobody.
Starting Small Forward - Metta World Peace, 6’7” 250 lb
I’m 80% sure Kobe lobbied for the Artest signing just so he wouldn’t have to deal with shit like this anymore (side note: Kobe is the master of the “my hands are up because I am simply to valuable to get into a stupid fight with a vastly inferior player” move. If I ever having the horrifying misfortune of encountering a feisty Ron Ron, I will undoubtedly attempt to employ this tactic).
After Sprewell, MWP was the second insta-addition to the roster. A no-brainer. A franchise player when it comes to anything clash-related. Here is a YouTube video simply entitled “Ron Artest (Metta Worldpeace) Fight Mix.” And by far the scariest part about Ron Ron is the fact that I truly believe he doesn’t try to assault people on purpose. I don’t think he’s a mean guy. I don’t think he’s an ill-intentioned guy.
Shit just happens when you’re crazy.
And, I’m not talking about the “Oh, JR, partying with Rihanna before a playoff game. He’s so crazy” which is the kind of thing someone says while smiling and chuckling. I’m talking about the “There is something wrong with Ron Artest. Like he is legitmately crazy” which is the kind of thing someone says with a hushed undertone and a serious sense of concern.
The Crazy Eyes. Everything fades to black. The reptilian brain has taken over. Ron Ron engaged.
If you ever see this look in real life, best of luck to you. This is second most dangerous face in the NBA, only trailing Latrell’s predator face.
Back-Up Small Forward - Marvin Barnes 6’8” 210 lb.
I had a difficult time finding someone who could properly compliment the particular set of skills that MWP brings to the floor. So I had to hop into to the time machine to the ABA days. Where the game was fast. The rules were loose. And the cocaine was cheap.
Speaking of time machines, "Bad News" Barnes once canceled his 8:00 PM flight from Louisville to St. Louis because it was scheduled to land at 7:56 PM. He rented a car instead, because he wasn’t “gettin’ on no time machine!”
Today, there is an actual band called the “Marvin Barnes Time Machine.”
In other activities, Barnes was known to bring multiple firearms with him into the locker room and made “40 to 50 grand a week” selling weed. Now, that is exactly the kind of entrepreneurial spirit I need on my team, Marvin!
Starting Power Forward - Keon Clark 6’11” 220 lb.
This was a man who claimed to “have never played a game sober,” drinking half a pint of gin per day. Every day. Before games. And at half-time. Hey, I respect a man who can keep a buzz going. You’re in, Keon. No, our team is going the other way.
(side note: as you can see in the picture above he is using the “Gin-breath-to-the-face technique” on Troy Murphy. Diabolical.)
Back-Up Power Forward - Zach Randolph 6’9” 260 lb
(David Attenborough voiceover) Watch the bull in heat once he has picked out the ideal mate. She struggles momentarily. But eventually...she gives in.
The Ruben Patterson choice guarantees the Z-Bo pick. As two of the essential cogs in the well-oiled-machine that was the Jail Blazers, Z-Bo famously punched Patterson in the face during a practice. It’s ok though, because Z-Bo doesn’t just punch teammates. He’s an equal opportunity puncher. He’ll hit anyone. I love Z-Bo.
Starting Center - Tim Duncan 6’11” 250 lb
I want to find out where Tim Duncan’s breaking point is. Duncan has always been this mythical, zen-like create who never snaps, but I think this is large in part due to the fact that he has always played on winning teams.
Let’s see how he does on my team.
He will poop.
Back-Up Center - Kevin Garnett 6’11” 220 lb.
Both of my centers are going to hate their lives.
On the bright side, I will be reuniting the (yes, this actually happened) three headed monster of Garnett-Marbury-Sprewell, which should be against the law.
On the other hand, no one wants to win more than KG. And this team will not be winning many games. Therefore, there will be a lot less interviews like this. And a lot more interviews like this.
Other good news: KG, while you’re loading up the “joints with the silencers” and the uzis, if you find that you have misplaced the missiles launcher and/or the missiles, Marvin Barnes has got your back.
(possibly at the future date: The NFL Personality Clash All-Star Team)
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