TJ Lavin: Is It Worth It?

        The title above is simple.  It is the one question that I wish to ask TJ Lavin before I die.  Bill Simmons actually had the spoon-fed opportunity to answer this age-old question, and missed out (although, I’ll give him a pass, as this is by far the happiest I have ever seen TJ Lavin on camera - he’s actually smiling - and Simmons may have not wanted to darken the mood with such a depressingly reflective question).  
I do not know how, when, or why this encounter will happen, but it most certainly will be a momentous occasion.  Perhaps it will be at the 2035 Emmys, where TJ will be accepting his lifetime achievement award for “redefining the meaning of 'taking one for the team' by sticking it out on one TV show longer than anyone thought possible.”  I will note the flashes of homicidal anger that flash across the other nominees’ (CSI’s Marg Helgenberger and Law & Order SVU’s Mariska Hargitay) faces as “apparent, yet subtle and understated through the decades of Botox.”  Or perhaps it will be via video interview from the set of The Challenge: Space Rivals (I’ve already written their promo for them: marathon arguments between Bionic CT and Bionic Wes are no longer stopped by the sunrise.  Because the sun never rises...during winter on Mars!!  You're welcome, MTV.  You've got one guaranteed viewer).  However, whenever it happens, it will undoubtedly be the most hotly-anticipated interview in the history of mankind.  And I’ll promote the lead-up to that shit like a CT fight.
For many years now, I have argued that The Real World Challenge is the best reality show on TV.  Unfortunately, that bastard Bill Simmons also happens to love/talk about this exact same topic all the time.  Thus, much of my thunder is being stolen here.  And Simmons also had the opportunity to do this (Timeout.  Timeout.  Timeout.  I am physically unable to move past that video in silence.  First, Simmons and Jacoby are playing a HORSE game with TJ pretending to host like The Challenge.  That’s a wet dream in and of itself.  Second, they’re spelling K-I-L-L-E-D I-T, TJ’s signature line??  And, if that wasn’t mind-blowing enough, they have an impromptu Leeroy appearance??  If you’re not a fan of The Challenge, these series of events mean nothing to you, and you’re going to another website right now.  However, if you are a fan of The Challenge, you’re too busy furiously drafting a letter to Santa for Christmas this year to be reading this.  Outside of scenes in Game of Thrones where Khaleesi gets naked, things as amazing as this do not happen).  So, Simmons is pretty much a god in my mind when it comes to anything involving TJ Lavin and/or The Challenge.  However, humor me and let me give you my reasons why The Challenge is the best reality show:

1) Step Up or Get Fucked Up:  The Challenge is called “The Challenge” because it is actually a fucking challenge.  Nothing about reality TV pisses me off more than when the show promotes itself as being super badass and then there is not a single moment on the entire season where any contestant is in real danger.  Yeah, I’m talking about you, The Hero.  Just because The Rock flexes for 45min with cutoff Under Armor and Ray-Bans does not make your show cool and/or badass.  Do I want to see deaths?  No.  But a catastrophic injury or two would be nice.  On the other hand, The Challenge features legitimate opportunities to show off one’s incredible athleticism or risk horrible injury.  People don’t just “show up” to The Challenge, they train.  And they don’t “just train,” they do steroids.  Lots of them.  And, if you’re trying to roll up into the house and step out of line, you will get regulated.  So don’t be a jackass like Derek (that sad little leg-kick is hands-down one of the most classic moments in the history of television).  And if you suck, you’re going to end up in an elimination challenge. And, most of the time, elimination challenges consist of two incredibly roided-out dudes smashing into each other, or two incredibly alcoholic chicks doing the same.  So step up or get fucked up.  Think: the best aspects of Survivor, Jersey Shore, and Wipeout all bundled into one.  

2) Very Little Payoff:  A very underrated aspect of the show.  The fact that there isn’t a redonkulous amount of money on the line definitely contributes to people acting like bigger idiots.  Thus, the pure entertainment of the experience often times trumps monetary reward at the end.  “Living in the moment,” if you will.  And the idea of big risk, very little reward just makes the show even more hilarious to me.  This season, TJ announced that there will be an unprecedented amount of money on the line this year.  “Life-changing” I believe was the adjective used.  $125,000 to the winner.  Which is what?  $75,000 after taxes.  Using conservative estimates, CT drops that much on cut-off tees, weird hats, and HGH each year.  This lack of payoff baits contestants back for season after season whether they win or lose.  Genius.  

3) Never-Ending Feuds: Unlike every other contest-style reality TV show, arguments on The Challenge don’t end.  They fester.  They span season-to-season.  And they get infected after years and years of reopening old wounds.  Some faces come-and-go, but the truly degenerate, shit-starting, fame whores will never leave The Challenge.  They will die on this show.  They were here when they were a doe-eyed 22 year-old rookie with no alliances.   And they’re on the show now (30-going-on-60 after almost decade of heavy drinking), and they’ve got a web of conspiratorial allies bigger than Kevin Spacey's on House of Cards.  And there’s no doubt in my mind that they’ll be on the show in years to come (yeah I’m talking about you, Aneesa.  Weren't on on Real World: Chicago from like 2001?  How old are you?).   Anyways, if you can forget the contestants’ depressing dependence on the show, this format has yielded some of the most explosive rivalries in the history of television.  Some have been violent.  Some have been funny (Katie...I’ve seen some crazy drunk bitches in my life, but you are the G.O.A.T.).  Some have been...wet?   Some people have gone on for so many years that they come full-circle and morphed into a beautiful friendship.  

4) Political Maneuvering: You think it’s tough to diplomatically make your way through Survivor?  A bunch of randos you just met on an island where the hunger and mosquitos are the biggest issues?  Try getting smashed, dormitory-style, into a house with your closest frenemies and worst nemeses, playing a game that you’ve all been playing for years, trying to organize of a bunch of drunks, all the while attempting to backstab the same person you’ve already stabbed in the back a half dozen times.  From what I've learned on this show, it gets significantly more difficult each time.  In all seriousness, I were considering politics, I would try to get some game time in on The Challenge before I started.  I would wager that there isn’t a politician out there who could fuck with Wes when it comes to controlling people’s minds (although I think Anthony Weiner would fit seamlessly into the cast.  He is pretty good at trying to pull the same move over and over again).  

5) A Hilarious Self-Awareness of its Own Ridiculousness:  The producers of The Challenge are the true geniuses who make all the magic happen.  First off, they’re sifting through the ever-growing pool of human filth that infests the Real World, which must be a arduous task to begin with.  Then, they have to weed through countless seasons of The Challenge to decide which “veterans” to bring back.  Yet, despite the difficulty, their knack of bringing back hilarious characters and running narratives season-after-season-after-season is uncanny.  Yes, I could nitpick and say that the fact that I haven’t seen Katie, Kenny, or Coral in a few seasons is a travesty, but that would be overly critical.   They always appease my perverse sense of humor with a solid dose of Wes and Johnny Bananas (life tip: if you find a show with a guy named “Johnny Bananas,” stick with it for as long as possible).   Furthermore, as each season passes, the producers take it upon themselves to take the depravity to the next level.  My favorite:  the final challenge of Fresh Meat II, when they made the final groups climb up a mountain (a legitimate mountain, one that necessitates picks, helmets, and cramp-ons.  Hard, but not impossible), only to have them stop half-way and chow down on a Thanksgiving-esque dinner before finishing.  I picture the pre-season meeting:  Ok so we got kayaking, mountain biking, running, and climbing...what can we do to bring the finale to eleven?  What about copious amounts of projectile vomit?  Perfect.  All the crucial aspects of a great show.  We really covered all the bases on this one, boys.

...and, last, but certainly not least:

6) TJ

TJ Lavin is the X-factor of The Challenge.  TJ holds the dubious distinction of being the only TV show host who openly hates their job.  Whereas other hosts probably pop an adderal or do a couple shots to get their “pretend happy” face on before an episode, TJ somberly walks up to the cast each episode with a face that looks either: (A) stoned or (B) stuck in the eternal contemplation all of the other things he could be doing with his life.  Me thinks it's about 10% (A) and 90% (B).  Furthermore, it seems that TJ’s hatred of the people he is forced to work with grows with each passing season.  But, in the ultimate twist of ironic awesomeness, his complete lack of effort and obvious destain for every contestant on the show makes him so unintentionally hilarious that he will never get fired.  It’s like he’s trying to get replaced, daring MTV to find anyone else, but the more he tries, the funnier he gets.  
Thus, despite his determined effort not to be so, TJ has become the only irreplaceable person on The Challenge.  And he has started to push his bounds to see how far he can take things.  Two episodes ago, the two losing teams set up for the elimination challenge and TJ called it off, saying “I’ve decided I’m not sending any home tonight.”  Thus, everyone went back to the house, essentially turning the entire episode into a kind of symbolic dress rehearsal for the next week.  What kind of a move is that?  Does TJ have the kind of pull to make these kinds of decisions?  This would be the equivalent of The Bachelor not giving a girl a rose, and Chris Harrison saying, “Nah, I've decided we’re gunna keep her.”   Has any other host in reality TV history commanded this level of respect?  I don’t think so.  
TJ, or simply “Teej” as my friend Angela and I refer to him, has lived a life most of us can only dream of.  He is a BMX legend.  He’s worth almost eight figures.  This is his wife.  Did I mention he raps?  Oh yes, my friends, Teej raps.  So it’s easy to see how such a Renaissance man of the dirt ramp and the microphone would be unsatisfied baby-sitting a large group of aging, chain-smoking, reality show contestants year after year.  Yet, no ones stopping him from quitting.  He could walk off into the sunset at any moment he wanted to.  And, this lead one to the obvious question, TJ Lavin, is it worth it?  One day, we will have this answer.  And what a day it will be.  But, until then, we can only sit around the campfire and ponder.  Is it worth it, Teej? Is it worth it?
America has become the dude who “only wants what he can’t have” and TJ is the chick who keeps rejecting us.  Only calling us for bi-monthly booty-calls in the middle of the night.  And the more he indifferent he gets, the more valuable he becomes.  It’s like the way Phil Jackson hates getting interviewed by Craig Sager, yet the hilarious destain only ensures that the interviews will never stop coming.  So I guess the joke is on us.  But it’s also on the contestants...and the producers...and TJ.  And this is exactly why The Challenge  is the best reality show.  Because it’s all a fucking joke.  And it’s on everyone.