My All-Time Non-NFL Madden Team

          Let me start off by saying, I am not necessarily trying to create the “best” team here.  My aim in choosing this team is to create the most entertainingly awesome non-NFL football team ever assembled (Riley Cooper put your hand down!  Former NFL players are DQ’d as well).  In this hypothetical, I am the coach, so hypothetically, I will be having to spend quite a bit of time with these guys.  Therefore, normally unimportant factors like how hilarious you are, or how amusing it would be to see you play football, or how funny it’d be to see you play alongside the other players I’ve chosen suddenly become keys to making this team.  Think: the Mean Machine in the Longest Yard remake.  That is, that little mexican dude is an integral part of the team even though he has no business on a football field.  His function is 100% comedic, yet he is still as important as any other player on the team.  I have a couple of guys like that on this list.  My offense is solid and relatively realistic.  My defense, on the other hand...well, the wheels started falling off a bit once I got that far down the list.  Nonetheless, with that being said, I still think this team could hang with the Raiders:

Spread Offense

LT - Shaq 7’1” 350 lb.

Shaq was a no brainer addition to my team.  Think: taller Jonathan Ogden with more one liners.  You might ask, will he be able to handle the complexities of the most important offensive line position?  Well, his nickname is the Big Aristotle, so he must be pretty goddman smart.  Oh, and for reference, this hypothetical pick is 1995 Shaq, at the end of his time time the Magic.  When he was even more athletic and explosive.  Obviously, he didn’t weigh 350 at the time, so I gave him a call to see if we could work something out.  I offered him some extra incentive-based bonuses to tack on the extra pounds, but heck, Shaq being the benevolent guy that he is said he was planning on doing it anyways, and he’d do it for free.  Thanks Shaq.

LG - Reggie Evans 6’8” 245 lb.

I need my Left Guard to get it done by any means necessary.  Whether it is grabbing the opponent by the nuts.  Or perfectly selling a solid flop to get a 15-yard penalty.  Or simply driving the opposing player to lose his mind.  And these are all things that I know Reggie Evans is capable, willing, and has a long track record of doing.  Imagine the kinds of things that Reggie Evans would do when hidden in the depths of a pile?  Spit?  Bite?  Pee?  Shoot snot rockets in Haloti Ngata’s eyes?  Literally nothing would be out of the question.  When Reggie Evans was asked about how it felt to be named the “NBA’s dirtiest player” he said, “Hey, at least they’re talking about me.”  That’s getting it done, Reggie.  Throw on some pads, you’re in.

C - Prince Fielder 6’ 0” 275 lb.

Low center of gravity?  Check.  Fat, but weirdly mobile?  Check.  Awesome beard and neck tats?  Check.  Sounds like my center to me.  

RG - Sir Charles Barkley (the slightly fatter version) 6’6” 270 lb.

This Barkley from circa 1996.  Incredibly athletic and unfathomably strong.  Plus, anyone who’s willing to make eye contact with Charles Oakley, much less, fight him in a preseason game has a guaranteed spot on my roster.  I’ve requested that he tack on an extra 20 or so pounds.  And if I know anything about the Round Mound of Rebound, he’ll gladly do it.  What is this?  Combine footage of two of my starting O-line guys?

RT - Zdeno Chara 6’9” 255 lb. 

Ok, my line is undersized at best.  But we make up for it with a level of psycho-ness and comedic timing that no other NFL cannot match.  And Chara is the final piece to that puzzle.  I don’t know much about hockey, but it seems to me that Chara is some kind of Slovakian lab experiment where they tried to combine the DNA of Drago from Rocky IV and Happy Gilmore.  And they got the mixture pretty spot on.  Welcome to the team, big guy.

TE - Lebron James 6’8” 270 lb.

Easiest choice on this list.  Talking about the hypothetical “how good would Lebron be at football” argument was like 50% of the reason I did this list in the first place.  Lebron is the best player on my team, and takes us to the next level.  One, he’s big enough to be a reputable fifth blocker when we run the option.  Two, when The Answer needs an option short and across the middle, it’s nice to have a dude who’s bigger, stronger, and faster than every linebacker on the field.  And, three, when we want to really spread it out, I’ll bump LBJ to the outside as a fourth wideout.  Lebron vs. a cornerback?  Please.  You would need Tom Cruise-like ability to even think about stopping that.  

QB - Allen Iverson 6’0” 160 lb.

Oh yea, this is happening.  Half of you are applauding, half of you think this is the most idiotic pick ever.  It’s ok, I would probably feel the same way if I hadn’t seen this highlight reel.  We’re running the spread, and this shit’s going down like Steamin’ Willie Beaman in Any Given Sunday.

RB - Mike Trout 6’1” 230 lb.

I’m bringing back the white running back into style.  Plus, he seems like a pretty laid back guy who won’t get pissed that A.I. is hogging the ball 90% of the time (this is key).   Besides that, he’s got a neck like Bo Jackson and stupid speed.  And, anyone who knows me knows that I’m the biggest Mike Trout fanboy on the planet.  I think he could be the greatest baseball player of all time, but he can take some time off to throw the pads on for my squad. 

Slot WR - Ichiro 5’11” 170 lb.

I was looking for my Wes Welker-esque player here:  quick burst-speed, hands, and durability.  Ok, durability in baseball probably isn’t comparable to durability in football, but we’ll let that slide.  Ichiro is lightning quick, a Gold Glover, and seemingly never gets hurt (even as he approaches 40 years old).  And the fact that he adds some international flavor to my squad doesn’t hurt his chances.  I want the Ichiro from 2001, the one that barely speaks a word of English, just so he’ll have no clue what play is being called, and just make up a route on the fly.  We’d sell out every game.  The Ichiro/A.I. arguments alone would be worth the price of admission.

WR - Russell Westbrook 6’3” 190 lb.

He’s big, strong, and incredibly fast.  And he screams/flexes a lot, which leads me to believe that he could play football.  See?  Let’s do one more.  Screw it, last one.  In fact, you cannot watch a Russell Westbrook game where he doesn’t look like a manacle psychopath at least a handful of times.  Oh, and he’s had a history of butting heads with teammates?  With Kevin Durant no less, a man so nice that a #KDisnotnice campaign was started out of the pure irony of his niceness?  Wow.  You’re definitely in Russell.  If not just to see you interact with Iverson.

WR - Usain Bolt 6’5” 210 lb.

This one should be interesting.  Some might say, he probably can’t even catch!!!Here’s the thing though: it doesn’t even matter if this dude has hands.  He’s going to be my Randy Moss-esque decoy who only runs 9-routes and takes the top off the defense.    Me thinks that he’ll have to spread the defense out, thus allow A.I. more space to do his thing.  This team is really coming together!  Incorporating strategy and shit?!

3-4 Defense

DE - Alistair Overeem (the PED version) 6’5” 265 lb.

Oh, did I not mention that we’re lenient on steroids?  Purely out of intimidation factor alone, The Demolition Man will add a lot to my defense.  

NT - Brock Lesnar 6’3” 300 lb. 

I need an immovable object at nose tackle.  An immovable object, with extreme anger issues, and no regard for human life.  And I think the more MMA fighters I can have on the D-line the better.  Lesnar actually tried out for the Vikings a few years back, and got cut, but once we get him on Overeem’s “diet” of horse meat and Soviet era horse tranquilizers, I expect his production to increase.  

DE - Metta World Peace 6’7” 260 lb. 

The craziness factor is huge when I comes to pass rushing, and no one brings more craziness to the table than MWP.  His name, by itself, is a testament to that fact. We don’t outwardly condone hitting fans on my team, but hey, we don’t outwardly condone not hitting fans either.  It’s great for TV ratings!  Fun fact: if you type in “Ron A” on YouTube “Ron Artest Fight vs. Pistons” is the first suggestion.  Oh yeah, Metta “Don’t Call Him Ron Artest” World Peace, you’ll fit right in here.

OLB - John Rocker 6’5” 210 lb. 

Ok, Rocker’s Baseball Reference page has him listed at 210 pounds.  I got this dude's autograph during batting practice when he was on the Rangers in ’02, he was every bit of 250.  This guy was straight roided to the gills.  He also got into an argument with an A's fan in right field where he started grabbing his balls and yelling obscenities.  True story.  Furthermore, I like the fact that I’m throwing a confirmed racist with anger problems onto a team with some of the most ferocious black guys ever to walk the face of the Earth.  Should be fun to watch. 

MLB - Chael Sonnen 6’1” 235 lb.

Chael P.  The American Gangster.  The Bad Guy.  I’ll be honest, if I couldn’t find an appropriate spot for Chael Sonnen on this team, I was going to force him into any spot I could find.  You can toss him into the “only on the team for comedic reasons” group because I have absolutely no clue if he has any history in any sport that doesn’t involve physically dominating other men - oh wait, maybe this football thing could work out.  But, beyond that, Chael Sonnen is the most laugh-out-loud hilarious athlete in all of sports.  This man who dropped out of a congressional election after being charged with money laundering, and then said, "I left office the way every politician should.  In handcuffs."  His incredibly blunt, arrogant, and semi-racist sense of humor will add a perfect balance of ball-busting laughs and borderline race riots to make my time as coach totally worthwhile.  

MLB - Mike Tyson (Pre-Hangover) 5’10” 220 lb.

I might just give up head coaching duties and become the linebacker’s coach.  I have a racist, mixed with a dude who pretends to be racist purely for comedic effect, mixed with The Rock, mixed with a dude who definitely won’t get that Chael’s joking, and, in all probability, will attempt to kill him on multiple occasions.  Keep in mind, this isn’t the calm, collected, introspective Iron Mike, who has a sense of humor and a one-man show in Vegas.  This is dude who, and I am not kidding, at his post-prison release press conference screamed at a heckler, “I’ll fuck you til you love me.”  I am 100% serious, and that’s my leader in the clubhouse for single scariest line ever uttered in the English language.  Mike Tyson.  Fresh out of prison.  For rape.  I can’t imagine the level of life-altering regret that heckler felt in that moment.   

OLB - Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson 6’5” 270 lb.

Now that I’ve opened Pandora’s box of PEDs with Overeem, Brock, and Rocker, I’m blasting that motherfucker wide open with The Rock.  Plus, with all of the incredibly homoerotic history he has with Brock, it should make for an interesting dynamic amongst the defense.  Critics may throw stones at the fact that The Rock is 41 years old, but he was quite an accomplished collegiate football player back in the day.  Furthermore, he played that football coach that one time and he played NFL player in The Game Plan, so he should be game ready!

CB - Nate Robinson 5’9” 180 lb.

Easy, straightforward, non-comedic choice.  Nate was such good cornerback in college that he actually considered switching sports during the lockout. 

SS - Georges St. Pierre 5’10” 195 lb.

I case you haven’t noticed yet, I’ve been extrapolating the MMA fighters’ weight based on what I think they probably walk around at.  GSP fights at 170, but I’m thinking he’s pushing 200 in between fights.  Ok, what do I need from my strong safety?  Freakish athletic ability to fall back into coverage and stop the run?  GSP has freakish athleticism on lockdown.  Plus, I like the idea of the polite little French-Canadian desperately trying to stay out of the racially-charged linebacker beef that would be routinely going down during every practice.  

FS - Tiger Woods 6’1” 185 lb.

Goddamn.  This little pearl was a recommendation from my dad, and it is probably my favorite pick on the entire team.  Let’s be honest, getting picked to be on this team is Tiger’s best moment since he got picked number one in the Racial Draft.  And, if he took Sergio Garcia’s “fried chicken” comment poorly, watching him and John Rocker interact will truly be something else.  Furthermore, watching Tiger awkwardly run around the secondary with absolutely no idea what he’s doing, accidentally bumping into the GSP, and A.I. screaming at him the entire time, Jesus Christ, that’ll make it all worth it.  

CB - Allen Iverson 6’0” 160 lb.

Yes.  A.I. starts both ways.  It’ll be cool though, because I won’t make him practice.  Todd Helton will come in during practice and run the first team offense, and A.I. can just chill out and save his legs.  There are no dress codes on my team, the dude can show up wearing whatever the fuck he wants.  He’s hungover?  I could care less.  Oh, he wants to bring some chicks to hang with him on the sideline?  Sure, why not?  Ok, so they’re shooting a music video now?  And Shaq’s in it?  To be honest, Iverson only really needs to show up on game days.