Why the Warriors Aren't Going to Suck Me in Again This Year

      Wait, the Warriors didn’t win the championship last year??  I blacked out once they got past the first round of the playoffs and just assumed they won it all.  

      Welcome to the reality of being a Warrior’s fan.  Whereas with the Giants and Niners I actually have an expectation of some success, with the Warriors, it’s all gravy.  As Warrior’s fans, we are the battered housewives of sports.  Even one compliment or smile here and there keeps us in the relationship, sticking it out for the outside chance of a better tomorrow.  Hey, how ‘bout this kid Dunleavy?  Coach’s son, high basketball IQ, good shooter, this could be the year!  or, (my favorite) Chris Webber’s coming back?!  I’ve got a really good feeling about this one.  They have played me for a fool time and again over the years, and, call me a masochist, but that’s why they’re my favorite team in all of sports.  Not because they’re good, not because they’re hopeful, but because they’re not good, and they give me no hope whatsoever.  As the saying goes, “Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me continuously for over a decade, fuck it, you’re my favorite team.”

I’m sure to most of you bandwagon Warrior’s fans who first heard the name "Andris Biedrins" when he got traded last month to the Jazz, this opinion may seem overly pessimistic, and maybe even a little insulting, but those of you who have stuck with this team over the years can commiserate with me.  Let me explain.  It is not that I want the Warriors to lose.  It’s that I expect them to lose.  And don’t feel pity for me, Bandwagon Fans, the Land-of-No-Expectations is a lot nicer than it sounds.  It’s a joyous world - where every win is a reason for celebration (even if it’s over the Bobcats in October) and every loss is immediately disregarded, forgotten, lost in the avalanche of alcoholic beverages that flow 24 hours a day.  Admission is free, and the only rule is B.Y.O.E.B. (Bring Your Own Emotional Baggage).  It’s awesome, but you better come quick because we’re close to capacity after the debris from the 06-07 team finally stopped flowing in.  

Anyways, here’s what I expect for the upcoming season:

1. Steph Curry starts off the season on fire.  30 ppg, 50% from three, 7 assists a game.  This is going to be the season where he moves into the upper-echelon of basketball superst - SNAP, there goes the ankle.  Enter Toney Douglas.  Oh god.
2. The Thompson-Barnes-Igudala traffic jam on the wing creates a blood-feud between the three and the locker-room chemistry falls apart.  Barnes demands a trade.  The Warriors trade him for Austin Rivers.  Barnes becomes a Hall of Famer, Rivers becomes...well, Austin Rivers.
3. Bogut, more faithfully consistent than the winter solstice, has some sort of freak injury  (my money is on either: broken legs while stretching or his classic “arm break while dunking move”).  Plays 15-20 games.  But they will be a really promising 15-20 games, just to get our hopes up for next season.
4. Suddenly, come December, Marreese Speights is the go-to-big-guy in crunch-time minutes because David Lee can’t play defense and the Draymond Green experiment has gone horribly awry.  At least his name is awesome.
5. Jermaine O’Neal.  Wait, the Warriors picked up Jermaine O’Neal?  This may be worse than I expected.

Needless to say, I do not expect a repeat of last season.  But, once I’m a few beers deep and the scaring memories of Mickael “The French Michael Jordan” Pietrus begin to fade, romantic notions of playoff grandeur begin to float in.  They’re so young, they can only go up from last year.  What if they can get the playoff version of Harrison Barnes for an entire season??   Igudala??  A perfect veteran locker-room presence to take them to the next level!   Woah, woah, woah.  Nice try, Warriors, you almost got me again.  You guys are getting trickier and trickier.  I gotta go look at Adonal Folye stats just to get this nasty, hopeful aftertaste out of mouth.